I had this idea for a long time before I executed it last November. To replicate a shoot I had done 30 years and 40 pounds ago, and write about the process. I figured it might ‘bring some stuff up’ but I was surprised at how distressed I was when I first saw these images (a photographer friend helped me recreate the shoot, the originals were shot on my own with a cable release).
It’s not that I don’t know what I look like, but this shoot really gave me the opportunity to obsess about my sagging jawline and neck which somehow that bothers me more than some back rolls, which means I’ve logged more hours/years into loving/accepting my body’s changes and the gravity of aging is the next frontier – and yes I know its a privilege, but such are the struggles of the super vain who have sought to find their validation in these pervasive patriarchal standards
In our culture Thin + Young = Beauty
and I’ve internalized that but good…AND…I’m here to show up, take up space, be the change.
This is what reclamation looks like
Kind Eyes was born out of my own Beauty Wounding and I had to Kind Eyes myself through this process. I had to dig deep for self love and sometimes it’s more like body neutrality which can be a step on the self love journey or a place to land in and of itself.
I have been communing with Saturn and feeling all the weight of Time bearing down on me, and somehow I have come out the other side feeling super fierce. I am proud to say I love these images stomach and all and that means all this work I’ve been doing is sinking in – I just saw a flat tummy app on Instagram and I was so horrified – I am grateful I have made peace with my womanly stomach and surely peace with my neck is on the way (and I’m grateful to my goddess bestie who told me my shape looked like any work of art one would find in a museum when I was lamenting about my stomach. That was a really helpful shift in perspective. Girlfriends are awesome like that.)
Sisterhood really is everything*
I am grateful to my friend who told me she sees angst in the younger images and confidence in the now. I am grateful that I can see my Beauty and feel my depth and celebrate this moment in time when I bravely took ownership of my body and my narrative.
Just for the record, I did not retouch or filter any of these images. This is me at 58.
Yes I have been known to stick some botox in my face to attempt to slow down the aging process and
yes those are my real boobs. Recently I was watching an interview with Billie Eilish and she was asked her favorite thing about her body and she said “my boobs, I love my boobs” – same, Billie same.
I offer this as a companion piece to a Valentines’ post from 2014 – in it, I wrote that this younger version of me had no idea of her beauty, worth or value. I am happy to report that now I do.
I am the oldest and biggest I’ve ever been, but I am also the most radiant
Wishing you all SELF LOVE NOW
February 14, 2020
Thank you to Ashly Othic for the photo assist
*Sisterhood: I have the most bad ass pussy posse who have my back and are always there to shine a more favorable light on my dark tortured soul, All thanks to Mama Gena forever